Writing Fuels My Soul

I can’t believe it’s already March! This year is flying by!

I haven’t written anything in about two months. I will tell you, it’s not a good look for me. And it has nothing to do with readership or my need for productivity. It has everything to do with writing being my expression of self. Writing fuels my soul.

I will say, my soul has been on a rollercoaster ride this year. Nothing too great to report, thankfully, but the small things are the big things, you know?

It all comes down to doubt. I have been doubting myself lately and it is affecting my overall self-esteem. I’ve been feeling uncertain, swayed by my emotions, and my anxiety has increased, especially at work.

The long story short concerning my job as an entrance station ranger in Yosemite National Park is that we are missing two key leaders in our operation, both the supervisor and the lead. So we are operating with the two of us that have been there a year as the ones who fills in the pieces. However, I keep finding myself trying to fulfill the supervisor role. It is putting too much stress on me because it is not my job.

You may ask why they don’t just promote us so then we are getting compensated for the job we are doing. Well, that is one of the frustrations of working for the government. It is so structured that you have to have time-in-grade to qualify. Even though I am doing most of what that position entails, I am not qualified for it. This was my first big frustration this year.

This one blocked me for a while. Honestly, I’m still wrestling with it. It’s not that I care about the title or even the pay really, but that I am not being compensated adequately for the work that I am doing. That makes me feel very frustrated. Especially since this lack in leadership is not a new thing, the supervisor position has been open for three years now. The lead is on long term medical leave, and so we must carry on the best we can.

The uncertainty of it all is the worst part, this is where the doubt comes in. Especially with the first round of reservations last month. There were two not too bad weekends and one bad weekend on President’s Day. Truth be told, every holiday weekend is hard to work. Yosemite is a tourist destination and attracts a lot of people who do not plan and prepare for their trips. This makes it hard on us, but it is also outside of our control. What is in our control is making sure we have what we need to do our job well and feel good while doing it.

I’ve been making some waves to get the leadership that is present to step up and make decisions and communicate. My team is behind me, and even the leadership has encouraged me, but there is also this feeling of when am I going to far? Thankfully the couple times I’ve really stepped on toes, my acting supervisor had a talk with me about how I was mentally doing. This response comforted me and also made me realize that this is all a slow moving machine and there’s no reason to stress about it.

I am taking a step back in my work load and reminding myself that it isn’t up to me to fix it. I need to rely on my team and do my part. I will continue to advocate for wellness for myself and my teammates. However, I will also prioritize my own wellness while doing it.

Wellness, for me, includes a lot of writing, which I have been severely lacking on lately. I’ve written myself pages when I am frustrated to help me understand and I’ve written a ton at work, but this is different. Writing with the intention of sharing brings out something else. It helps me to share all of a situation to move through it. Then I can grow through what I go through.

I have noticed myself becoming more anxious and numb over the course of the two months. This situation at work, in particular, has been bothering me and blocking me. It is a cycle I will break. For me the way is through writing. Through sharing my thoughts, adventures, and wellness toolkit. I finally got this website sorted to include all of these things and then I walked away from it when I needed it the most!

Often, my adventures feel like diary entries. In a way they are. Writing is how I figure things out and remember the lessons the universe gives me. My theory is that if it helps me, it can also help others. Thus here I am sharing my stories and my learnings. I am always a student and always a teacher, that is the path I walk.

With this post, I lift my foot out of the mud and get the facet of creativity flowing again. We all get blocks and it is okay. We can come back to the page and start fresh. We can bring all of our experience to the table and express ourselves through art.

That to me is a huge part of wellness…expressing myself through art. Writing fuels my soul and I very much need that spark of life again. I am done wading in an anxiety filled tub of gray, I will break out into a wide field of colors.

Thank you writing for healing my heart. Thank you beautiful soul for reading my trials and triumphs. May they give you strength and hope to step out into your own field of colors.