Pre-Thanksgiving Thoughts

It’s the beginning of my weekend that includes Thanksgiving. I sit in the quiet at my window watching the clouds and realize I have a lot of thoughts. It’s like this bubble that forms inside of me, waiting to come up. The best way I know to handle this feeling is to just start talking. So that’s exactly what I did.

It’s long winded and rambles, but there are some strong themes in here too. One day I’ll pick them out and write more concentratedly on them. Until then, here are some workings of my inner mind to share with the world.

Happy Thanksgiving. I will say. The stores may have forgotten about it. But the people haven't. Most of the people that I've been talking to lately, I've been talking about Thanksgiving. About food family, friends. Plans to do something out of the ordinary day. I'm gonna be honest, I actually want To stay home.

In my space. By myself. And just enjoy. The moment. I feel like I have something. Really big. Inside of me. That needs to come out some emotion. And, I feel like, Something is going to change. And I'm not sure how or what way or even. What exactly I just feel like there's something big.

It doesn't feel. Bad though. Like I remember before my breast cuts are diagnosed, I had this feeling and it felt bad. It felt ominous Like, I pull tarot as part of my Um, guided meditations to help sort of steer myself in different Universal themes. And one of the things that you would come up before I got diagnosed with breast cancer.

Was almost ever reading, I got for like four months had death in it. Including my own. And it scared me. I'm gonna tell you something. Um, I mean

All I'm saying is energy, doesn't lie. And when something comes to you again and again, and again, no matter in what way Is telling you something. And, In that moment. I actually connected the pieces, and I never really talked about it. Um, But I did, I sort of connected that this was leading me to this diagnosis.

Because there was definitely a point where it was. I got diagnosed. And I started making a plan and I actually remember, one of my readers saying, I don't think you're gonna get death anymore, I think you're gonna be okay. And that was a really powerful moment because it was before anything really happened.

That it's like, okay. Now that now that this is here now that this is acknowledged action can be taken. Well, it's going to be okay because it's not like Like I have this. Steam, this Motif Acknowledge act except Because once you acknowledge something that's coming up, You can act on it, but even with that action, there's got to be.

There's usually something that you have to accept about the situation. And I guess I'm sort of Seeing. How much? I just accepted that has happened in the last three years. I felt very good about how I handled. All of it, how I navigated through. How this felt to me.

But it hurt. And it still hurts. And I think that's one of the things with trauma in general. Um, Is that it takes a long time to heal. And even after you're back doing your everyday and taking on more, And trying to focus on healthy life, healthy healthy, living.

It's really, really hard. And I think what I most thankful for right now was just having the time, To process it. And the most important person I need to be with right now is me Me. I need to be around me.

I actually kind of feel like something's about to change with my career.

I love working for the Park Service. I just feel like I'm hitting my head up against the wall a little bit more than I was like.

I mean, there's drama everywhere that's here nor there, but just to like ability to to do things. To improve the situation around us to allow us to do more better things. There's just this real. Limitation on like What we're doing and it's just really making me think back to Park Service over the years.

Because there was like this point that Park Service was like super strict like authority, like they would have, you know, Like the average Ranger would have like a gut but it kind of made sense because if you're in the weird Wilderness and you come across like a coyote or you know even a larger animal like there's a certain point where like that is your defense.

Against Wilderness. Um, sadly against people. And well we've had a whole Revelation around what Authority does to people. They make them feel like they're in control or can make other people. Do you know their will or their inner rage comes out and These stories are sad. I don't think there are majority but I think it really exposes the kind of fear of authority.

I think this is the fear that I've had. My entire life is this fear of authority and It was. It was fear. I was afraid. I was afraid that they were going to tell me. That I was doing something wrong, just by doing whatever it is, I'm doing. I don't know exactly how to explain it but I've had it my entire life.

This, like, and I see it now, like we have words like Um, I want to erase that part because I don't know the words right now, but, you know, the Prejudice and the hatred and the the the use of authority where it like Will's a person, a controls a person.

I mean, and it just Is unnecessary and that's what I don't like. That's the violent. I don't like, I don't like when people Earth's senselessly. Like, Cruel. That's why I don't like true crime. Stuff is because those are stories about people who are just Like messed up and then their stories, get perpetuated and and now it becomes entertainment.

How we hurt each other. And that just hurts me and I think it's the same thing I have about reality TV is it's just drama. It's just drama and I Don't like that. I don't like when people are. Just jealous and selfish and rude just because they can be Like yes, I've been rude in my life but in that moment, I was so hurt.

And my hurt hurt. Somebody else who is just trying to do their job, trust me. I feel that hurt all the time. People come through my gate, tell me all kinds of shit about this and that about what they have an opinion about or whatever bad day they're having.

And you know what? Okay, I see you. Like when I have a bad day, I don't show up the same way I didn't today. Very pleasant but there's some days like that they'll look around. I'm like this is what people's every day is when I'm in this state that's what some people's every day is And I'm just, I really feel it.

I really feel why it drains people, why this job drains people because it's, it's not even the talking. It's not even really the repetitive nature. I mean, yes, in a way it is, the reactions that we have it is that every single car that pulls up has an entirely different story in it, like, there's energy coming off of it.

Somebody's been arguing as I've been driving and they get up to the gate. We feel that you're subconsciously feel that energy and it just like trans mutes from window to window. And like it's almost like the air purifiers like, can we turn them into energy purifiers too? Because sometimes, sometimes people are mean.

And they don't even, I don't even know what they mean to be. Or maybe they do mean to be because they're hurting. But, It does it hurts? It really does. And, Some people can't take it. And break down themselves. Some people, it just wears them down. Some people hold like, shields up to it.

Um, that's kind of what I do. I have a shield I'm protected in my space. Um,

Such an interesting thought. See, I love this flow. Like All these interesting thoughts. Come up, like all of the thinking was about being thankful. But I am, there is something deep within me and I think that's the job. So now I really want to be A supervisor and I really want to be a supervisor because I feel like I can do a good job.

I feel like I can manage a group of people trying to accomplish this goal. What I get really frustrated with is Botanic ways we do to do, that goal to accomplish that goal. Fork example, we have a spreadsheet and we put like all of our passes and and like, we match what we sell with, what's in our system and it makes sense.

It's like an audit. It's like a remix. And so the whole thing is like you know you put a check mark and you move on. Well, like the thing that drives me nuts is when that check mark has to be you know, 18. Font. And even though it's set up two when I copy and paste the check mark in, it doesn't actually pick up the formula of the The cell because it's like, a spreadsheet, but then you have to, like, reset it to something else to set it back.

But I'm doing all this because somebody that I respect is saying, hey, can we just make it the same way? It makes me feel better. So I go through all this formatting. For the sake of it, making somebody feel better. And I don't mind doing that, but at the same time, I think about that every time I have to sit here and do this, task is I'm doing this to make somebody feel better and I'm like, okay, it's fine, it's done.

I can move on now. And, Sometimes we need to do that to ourselves like to say, hey sit down like let's just feel better. Like, I have projects, I want to work on. I have thought to my head to write. I have games I want to play just because I enjoy them.

Um, I have all these things I want to do. But it feels kind of like that. Same formatting to just sit down. And, Breathe. And just Let it come. Not even though I'm consciously, like, Burying things but just like let these thoughts come up. Let the Vault come up about this thing that it takes a few extra seconds out of my day to do, that drives me off the wall.

It's a frustration. But I've also accepted it because it's just sort of the price of emission. I want to do this, I want to do this. Well, I want to do this in a way that like, You know, the people around me are all feeling good about what they're doing and how this is going.

And I don't mind putting the work into it. Like, It's fine. It's It's an acceptance. And I guess I've been thinking about how I've been doing that with these really big emotions. About, oh, I just have breast cancer and my chest just has this dull ache like all the time.

Constantly. And my shoulders just have this pool constantly and I'm constantly. Trying to bend them back and strengthen them up and I know I just need to do it more concentratedly. Like I do know how to fix it. I just I don't have the energy and then there's these other things and there's other things and there's other things and there's all these big emotions and They just all are inner twangling and I just can't figure out how to do them all.

And I feel like I'm missing and all of them. And that's not true. That's not even true. Like, I can tell you right now, like I can be the person going. No, look at all the things that you're doing right now. Like, can only are you holding down a position?

You're trying to learn the leadership side of that position. And I am. Working on Creative things and keeping connections with people and like body maintenance and car maintenance. The stupid car is such a stress right now and it's frustrating. And like, there's just always stuff to me to be picked up in groceries divide but not money is tight because life is what it is.

And It's fine. It's just all fine. Because in this moment, I can sit here in this space. And just breathe. I know that. It'll all keep moving. And, I have people to help. If I need it, different people for different things. Like that's the thing. Um, Like my world once revolved around one person.

And then I realized that that is not actually a healthy thing. We need many people. We need.

Just need people. We need people with different gifts, many people with different attitudes. I just

I don't know. All of these things. There's just so many things. Like I said, right now I'm I'm thankful I can sit here. Under a warm blanket. Pedicat. Just look up. Watch the clouds move.

It's all gonna be okay.

Our legs are a story and one of the things that we don't always get and storytelling is all the pauses in between The stories we read just keep moving one scene to another people don't sleep. You don't eat, you don't use the bathroom. I guess our eating scenes, but There's a lot of like, missing time.

Like, I remember watching this one book and it was about like, Andthologist, and they were talking about all these like, Detailed successful papers, they do. And I'm like, when do they do that? Like when does this happen and all of this stuff and all of this energy, and it's because we're just getting part of the story, And, We have to focus in our own lives.

What? What? Part of the story. We want to move forward. We can't move it all forward at a time. Something's just sort of Move. Move along.

Yeah, I think another thing. No, I don't think. Another thing. That I am thankful for this year. Is the boundaries I've put in place.

I have put in place some pretty big boundaries.

How I spent my energy, how I spend my time? Sometimes I have to check myself too. Sometimes I start going too much. I'm like, nope, that was too much. Gotta roll it back in. Sometimes my problem, my energy gets away. It's like flows down a river. It gets momentum.

I think I fear, momentum a little bit. Too. Often it goes into a negative Direction. I really don't want that to happen. Dust the boundaries, put it in Road lines, put Warning signs and brake systems and And I mean that's a metaphor but it's like

If you're trying to control your like food consumption. Regulate it with having to go out and buy what you're going to eat for the next day or the next couple days, or maybe even a week. It teaches you self-control because if you don't have it, you can't do it.

And there's a lot we can do without I have to remind myself. Often. Less is more. Do not buy things that I already have. You know, Solutions four like that happens a lot. I'm like I need something so end up buying three of them. Not even really realizing that one fills the need.

If I just give it time to like, Act. I'm ready to slow down. I'm ready to stop moving so fast. I want to move with the seasons. I want to breathe with the trees. I want to grow and let grow every year. Like the leaves? I feel like I'm a tree.

I feel much more comfortable climbing trees than I do rocks. Granted, I'm not really gonna go climb a tree either, so I do like walking on them though, I like balancing on them, but you have to watch because sometimes they get soft. And you can always see this, they're soft just like rocks.

You can't always see it when they're slippery, or if there's like something underneath them, they're gonna be something, you know, in the bark of a tree too. It's nature, it's literally nature. It's all Got its things. I just really do like the forest and the river more so than the beach.

I like visiting the beach. I like seeing the ocean, but it's kind of like a reset and then I like want to go away again. I might be my upbring because I grew up in the Foothills of Appalachian. Carolina's. And We would. Go to the ocean about once a year, maybe twice a year.

And, It would be like a reset, like an event. And then I would go back home and home consisted of Hills and trees. And We had acreage growing up. We had two acres, it was really nice. I would just go walk and my dad's Gardens. I would there's a little creek that we could like Go over a bridge for a while.

The bridge eventually broke in the area, grew up, that was about the same time, the apple trees Turned into houses. Add a few cows. I liked it though. I still drove through land and cow pastures to get to like school. I mean, it was Rural area. At the time, I lived there.

Hmm, not anymore. Maybe that road's still there, but Not even sure if I would know how to get to it anymore. Maybe. They don't really have any Grand uh need to go back and find out. Kind of okay with it living in my memories. I have people that live in the area but I will go to the air place.

Not my old place. I don't know. It's different. Life is different. It's okay. That is different. It's partly accepting. Like he made actions, sometimes actions just happen. Sometimes. You just keep going. Sometimes you just Make connections and hold on to them for a while. That's really nice. When that happens.

So tired. I like this is really the transition to slow down. It's been cold. We've already got our first wet spell and frost. I'm gonna start check the checking the card to make sure it's not frozen in the morning. Switching the uniform. I already switched my jacket over this week.

I'm also switching my mindset, like I like working on projects I really like training. Like, I gotta have a job, just training people, just talking to people. I think maybe a lot of fun actually. But I don't want to like go in one place. I want to like move around.

I want to, like, Go, where the people are. I don't know. Maybe that job exists somewhere. I like talking to all ages, though. I don't just like talking adults. I don't just be talking to kids just like, talking to teenagers, like, Meeting people where they are. Like, it's so easy to get stuck.

Right, and the boxes. People make for you this drive for Success. Like, what is success?

To me, a success is just getting to the end of the day and being happy where you are. Being thankful. Being able to stop and breathe and have moments like I'm having right now. I just Can. Format recalibrate revitalize.

I feel like that's what we need more of in this life.

Let's have a little pause. Have a little play. Have a little care. Sometimes that's work. Sometimes it's hard. But what? If it were easy. What if you could see a way where you could just

Be content with what you were doing.

What if that would be okay?

That's what I'm seeking. That's the career I want. I feel like in a lot of ways I get it here. I really enjoy this. I like being able to go and Do a job. I, Take a lot of initiative, I think that's one of my strengths and my weaknesses.

Is I take a lot of initiative. I see how things can be better. And I just start sort of. Trying to make change. What? I'm learning how to do now is Talk to other people. About what they like. And I think that is the training I need for myself is This ability to, Really kind of do surveys, okay?

Um, What do the people want? What is needed? What format do we want that in? Um, I need to go write that down for myself so I can focus on it later but Because that really is it really is when I'm working on is because I know how to make the change.

I know The Frameworks. I See ways to do it. One of the best compliments I've gotten at work. Is when my supervisor told me that I have an ability to see things before they become an issue. And I'm like, yes. I, Oftentimes do that, I have experience in multiple different avenues and I'm able to Sort of converge where things could have issues.

And most of those things are easily, handled, the real trouble is communication either. Just let the people handle it, whatever way that they decide to, like, get the job done or create a standard procedure. Well, in my work, um, standard operating procedures are multiple. Um, we just A lot of them are sort of.

I don't know, it's like we need a new one with every new group and it takes a lot of work to do these things and we're understaffed as it is. So that's sort of The issue. A little bit. That's what we need to work on. But, I don't know that I can do a whole lot about that so I act except here we are.

Life goes on, it's a Rolling Stone, you know? I mean It is what it is. So Right now I'm okay with that right now. I have this sort of commitment to learn this amount of things go through this iteration for this amount of time and then I just don't know.

I just don't know if it's another year like this year. I don't want to do this again. I want to go do something else. Either put another Park. I'm a resume go home and help my parents out like, I would really love to do that. It would be a different Park system, though.

So that would be a change. Have to learn a new system. Learn a new hierarchy. Um, but it could also be fun. Like, I really enjoy coordination Logistics and People management and I have strong communication skills. Like I can't, like I it's not that I just say that, like, I have strong communication skills.

Um, I came in and created a newsletter. So we had bi-weekly communications about schedules and different updates of things that are coming up. Um, Ways to create guides so that people are trains. Um,

Words. Um, Methodically is coming to mine. I don't really like the kind, like the feeling that word evokes. Um, but again, it's kind of a scannery operating procedure. It's like, these are the things that we really care about. And here are some guidance on the rest of it and there is sort of this expectation to like uphold.

And then Have a good time. Like seriously, we're here to be here in the mountains and watch beautiful sunsets, and hopefully slow down. But most of the people, I know, just sort of go until they can't go anymore and that's what tends to happen. In seasons and why everybody's tired in August is angry and it's really hot and busy and anyway, but so the whole point is like if there's a way to help monitor kind of this expenditure of energy versus wrestling recuperation, maybe just maybe We?

Could regulate this a little bit.

Like I really want to create a training guide that helps you improve your performance that helps you figure out the things that you really want in a job. Because what you need? The the the thing can be Whatever. Like that's what I've learned like. I found a lot of this in journalism, like this was the first Avenue that I went down that I really, really enjoyed but I sort of got really distracted by The distinctive Avenues that were available or seemingly available at the time.

Of course, right after I sort of like got to that big, huge Crossroad. There was this huge breakthrough of like the different ways that media is now formulating. But I wasn't, I didn't have enough information at the time to take the initiative to move into it. And instead I had to I hit a really big ball.

And, It took me a really long time to get on the other side of that wall. About 15 years, actually. Maybe 14 14. Two. Seven iterations. Um, Yeah. Seven really is a good number to measure by. Anyway. I feel like I'm finally getting over that long. Finally figuring out what it is that I I want.

Where I feel sustainable and enjoying what I'm doing. I want a job that I don't need a vacation from. Um, the vacations, I take are to go PC people that are not in the location that I am. Like those are my vacations. But that also means that I live on my own.

I haven't love it, but um, You know, isolation does different things to people. Uh, I am not isolated by any means, though. I tell you that right now, like, living on your own does not mean isolation. So that's very important. It means that you have like a place to come back to And I think even if you live with people, that's really important, is to have your place that you come back to that's kind of your home base.

Um, this yours that you have like full autonomy over. Um, Yeah. And I love that right now. I need that. I need a lot of that right now. Because I'm trying to figure out what it is that I want. Um, to overcome fear to overcome dependency. Those are definitely.

Definitely some things that I'm working on. Um, It's not really independence, it's more. I don't know, it's more autonomy and I need to kind of look up and make sure that's the word I want to use, but This like ability to decide for yourself. That's the message that's been coming up again and again and again is our power is our choice.

Our choice comes from our confidence. To choose. Um, And sometimes there are real limitations that. Make that very difficult. But with even within that, even within that, Restriction. Whatever that is, there's still an autonomy, there's still a choice. There's always a choice, there's always a choice to how you show up.

And, That's what I learned during my breast cancer Journey. Was. How much? How you show up matters? And, By the end of that Journey, I knew the people that I could break down to and the people I couldn't

So, Now, I'm also having to sort of reconcile that now that I And a little bit further removed process it more. And that's really hard to. Because it does mean an entire like shifting of energy and connections, Sometimes that is hard.

So,

Yeah, I've been feeling really heavy less. Last little bit, there's definitely something inside of me. That's sort of like a seed though. It's sort of like When a seed has maxed out its shell, and it just needs that little more and it cracks open. And now it starts to push its way out.

That's what it feels like.

Feels really powerful, honestly.

That's what I really want to focus on and harness. And the next couple days I have a bunch of people I want to talk to Um, a bunch of things I want to write. I got games on to play. I got movies. I want to watch. I'm just really want to focus in.

And really, Early go through this transformation. Like it is the transition of the season, right now. I'm really feeling. That dark moon. Feeling. It is funny because we're actually, And a waxing moon. I'm always backwards, I swear. Maybe it's a waxing moon to get full but I feel like a scene breaking out but now I can do something.

Yeah. That. I like that. Okay. Beyond the experience that sound like a podcast name. Is that selfish. Honda experience because I think more and more. I actually don't mind going by Amanda. Like there's people that call me Amanda all the time and it doesn't really bother me. At all.

I do feel a little Joseph power when people call me onda. Like it is a power name. That's why I tell people. Um, I kind of love it. I mean, just such Common name. Um, I really like when people say, Honda that's really unique, I'm like, thank you. It's my power name.

And, Now it's, it is a chosen name and I love that. I have that for myself and I really encourage people to use that. Um, sometimes it's really hard when you get really defensive. About change. But, Yeah, right too. And I guess, Um, for me personally. Doesn't matter. So I have to Intentionally.

Spin the effort. In ways that it does, and that's effort worth spending. Um, It's still just a transfer of energy. And sometimes that takes time, and So, I don't know. The Honda experience. I kind of like that. I think that's the way I want to publish as a gen.

You know, I really like A.G My parents used to call me that all the time. Still do sometimes. Um, I really like that. Like that really? Felt like a good identity for me. Uh, so I think I'm going to republish. And start publishing is AJ mccusker and onda is like my stage name and then like Amanda is my, you know, legal name and family name.

Sometimes location name, like people had around the horn and call me Amanda. This goes, I read it off of my card and I didn't correct every single one of them in the moment because I'm just like, huh? Thanks, that's me. It is me. Um, So, Like, I think about it, sometimes, like, I call people by their name, on their license, like all the time.

And it's not always everybody's name. I wish there was a way to distinguish that like if we could put even we just put a line like Um, Preferred name or whatever like you can have in your license. This is my legal name My preferred name is like, please call me this.

Like why can't we have that on a government ID? I mean I'm sure people would abuse it, I'm sure that's why but I don't know. Anyway.

Whatever. It's fine.

There we have it. It's a good day. I'm very thankful for this moment. I feel like The things inside of me, are starting to break through. And that feels really good. It feels like growth. And, you know, Pain doesn't always have to be a bad thing. Sometimes it just is.

Sometimes it does mean growth.

It's a good feeling.

I'm thankful for this space.

To the good life. And I'm sending you love. An abundance. Sending you vibrant energy. And the reminder to take time to pause. Just breathe. Let yourself be. Let yourself think. Let yourself sigh stretch.

Sometimes. You just need to create space.

Hmm.

Sitting left. Peace.