A Shift in Energy - November 24, 2023
Sometimes my energy gets stuck. I can only describe it as a sort of depression. Nothing I usually like doing brings me joy. This time, it followed an extremely fatigue spell caused by the drop in temperature for winter and the onset of my menstrual cycle. I have so many things that I want to do, but no energy to do them.
The most important thing to do is rest. I have been. I slept most of the weekend. I still need a little extra tender love and care. However, I learned from pass depression spells, that you also have to eventually just get up and start doing something. This particular idea sounds easy, but is not when you are in this state.
One tool I use to stir up the energy are Tarot Cards. The deck I chose for this spread is a playful deck. Do you have that person that is brutally honest in your life, but they do it so tactfully that you don’t even mind being called out. That is this deck.
A Shift in Energy - A Past, Present, & Future Spread (Zen Tarot Deck)
The Past, Present, & Future Spread is a three card pull intended to zoom your perspective out to a big picture view. It’s easy to get caught up in the everyday, the chaotic world around us, and the frustrations of repetition. By considering our life from the past, present, and future, we can see where we come from, gain insight to our current struggle and catch a glimpse of what is to come.
The thing to remember about pulling cards is that it is meant as a mental exercise to help us figure out how we feel about things, not an absolute. This practice takes an open mind and the vulnerability to be brutally honest with yourself.
I pull cards completely out of intuition and not always a certain way. For this spread, I shuffled the cards and cut the deck a few times and eventually started picking from the top.
I received that past represented by “Fighting,” the present represented by “Guilt,” and the future represented by “Adventure.”
Past: Fighting is also known as the “Knight of Swords” in the Tarot Deck.
My initial thoughts were:
It feels like I’ve been fighting for a while to figure out who I am and what I want and need out of this life.
I’ve fought breast cancer and that changed my entire mindset and direction of my life.
I fight with myself a lot, especially in moments like I’ve been having lately.
I feel like it is a fight to fit in and yet still make change. In fact, I don’t think it’s possible to do both and I struggle with making waves.
As I read through the interpretation in the Zen Deck booklet, a few things stood out to me. One is that covering ourselves in armor also prevents our healing. When we put up barriers, we keep the bad out, but we also keep the good from getting in. Boundaries help us maintain a safe space, but this type of self defense can bury us if we let it. We end up only fighting ourselves.
Another concept I agreed with was that rage keeps us from the love and nourishment we need. Truly, we are only here for a moment, a blip of time, and yet we spend so much of it stressed and angry. I see this in that big picture perspective and it makes me sad. This is a reminder that when we play the movie of our inner mind we are aware of how our emotions are coloring the screen. Often times there are things we are not seeing in the wings of the frame. When we can slow down and consider these additional influences, we can see that we get in our own way. We get so mad about how someone hurt us, that we do not see them hurting too.
I wasn’t sure at first how this card applied to my past, but I think in all the ways I thought and more. Boundaries are an area that I’m still working on. Much of the fight though, is in my own head. It is the manifestation of my own emotions, which I have considerable. I notice, when I feel good about my decisions and what I am doing, I do not have that fight feeling. I am more content, even when someone disagrees with me because I know what I am doing and why, and we can have a conversation about that.
I do think about using a “shield” sometimes, especially when I am in a noisy place or when my energy gets low. This is a tool that helps me navigate less than ideal situations. Pulling out a tool to utilize and hiding behind barriers and rage are two different things. We all need armor sometimes, but there is something to talk about when we live there.
Fighting felt like an accurate perspective of what I have been feeling about my past lately. I also realize that I am tired of fighting. I am ready to create. However, there is more to breakthrough to get to my future.
Present: Guilt is also know as the “Eight of Swords” in the Tarot Deck
My mind went first to this underlying layer of guilt I have felt my entire life. I don’t know where it came from really, even therapy has not given me a true detection. My therapist has suggested and I agree that this could be generational trauma. There are emotions that follow over generations, not even necessarily through our parents, but from our family lines, our society, or our subconscious past.
It feels very melodramatic to feel like I’ve never really belonged, when in so many ways I absolutely do. I have a wonderful family that has always encouraged me to be exactly who I am. I am lucky in that, but I was not sure of what to be. So I tried on a whole like of suits. Some worked well, others not so much. I’ve always been a bit of a rebel, but not in the destructive sense. Instead, I rebel by wanting to live a peaceful and joyful life that does not fit the standard of all of the societal systems we live in. I always had great adventures with my parents, and then I did the same with my daughter. Now, it is time to do the same for myself with only the reason that I am worth it.
Reading through the Zen Deck’s booklet left me with a lot of great nuggets to think about. I reminded me of how destructive guilt can be. I have witnessed this many times throughout my life. It can destroy relationships, careers, and self-worth.
Anytime that we feel like we are doing something wrong we are burdened, heavy, and loaded down. It is like a rock on our chest. I have felt this from only the idea that I did something wrong. That is my battle with authority…I’m afraid someone is going to say that I’m doing something wrong just by being there. How can you live in joy when all you see around you is sin?
I have to remember that I am okay just how I am. I can learn and move on. It goes back to when I know what I am doing and why, it doesn’t bother me as much what people think about it.
Of course, in a work setting this is difficult. I am feeling this a lot right now because we are without a middle management. I am a type of person that sees a need and wants to fill it to the best of my ability with my skill sets. In my current position, I feel like I have a lot of useful skills to create positive change. However, there is always the balance between being assertive and stepping beyond my role within my current position. I’ve been called out in ways, and yet, I am also just trying to do a job. It has weighed heavy on my trying to navigate this slippery slope of doing something right to be helpful and move projects forward and feeling burdened like I’m not doing a good job.
Acknowledgment is key in this circumstance. It is a choice I make to be here and I choose the battles that matter the most of myself and my station. I can get carried away, I do all the time. I need to be called out sometimes. It’s been coming up again and again, it’s not what you say but how you say it. There’s ways to redirect without being dismissive. That is another line to walk when it comes to interpersonal communication. It is all hard and we all fall short. Again, what happens in our mind is in many ways more important that what the reality may be.
Letting go of this heaviness is necessary to move forward in the ways I desire. Remembering that I am worthy and I move forward with confidence in my ability to communicate and promote healthy change.
I also love this quote derived from the booklet, “Life offers us significant beauty and joy in insignificant ways.”
Future: Adventure is also known as “Page of Pentacles” in the Tarot Deck
As soon as I saw Adventure as my future, I did a little cheer! “Well that’s good,” I thought, “I already have the Website and profile ready for this future.”
Yes, adventure is definitely my future. That is where every fiber of my soul is heading, into adventure.
With everything I do, I also remind us all that adventures do not have to be big, planned events. Adventure happens everyday, if we can only open our eyes to see it as such.
“Through the eyes of a child, even small steps become grand adventures.”
To be childlike means to be innocent, trusting, open, and vulnerable. In the chaotic world we live in, no wonder it is so difficult to remember the mind of a child. When we seek achievement, we take ourselves out of the present moment. Adventure is a quality of life that comes with us no matter where we are. It’s not about plans, or maps, or agendas, instead, it is about curiosity. What can this be if we look at it with a creative perspective.
I feel like I do this a lot about most aspects of my life. In fact, in a world that have defined expectations, curiousity is dangerous. This is another way that I am a rebel, I ask questions liberally.
Our truth is not from an authority or a tradition, it is a radical personal realization. No matter who you look to, there is no guarantee that everything will work out how you thought. The way will be difficult and we may have to sacrifice comfort. Through the journey, we grow and learn from our experience. Life is a grand adventure. Let’s make the best of it, shall we?
“The whole world is a series of miracles, but we are so used to them we call them ordinary things,” Winnie the Pooh.
Here is a little poem derived from the Zen Deck Booklet:
We move with trust
from darkness to light
step by step
into unknown wonder
This spread has brought several things to light for me. I feel guilty for my creative, adventure spirit. I have been fighting this for the majority of my life. I am tired of fighting and want to let go of the guilt and doubt and move forward in confidence that I am in control of my own future. That future is full of adventure, but not certainty. I don’t want to just be alive, I want to live!
This mental stimulation has helped me rally behind myself and made me feel confident about who I am and what I am doing. That is exactly what I needed.
Thank you Spirit!
I set healthy boundaries. I release my burdens with curiosity. I trust my journey and know I am taken care of in all the ways that matter. So may it be.
May you feel stirred by my effort to move energy, or perhaps inspired to move your own. Sending you love and vibrant energy, beautiful soul.
